Exclusive of the week
The 'secret' training flights conducted by pilot-starved RyanAir at Prestwick, a secret 'revealed' all over the front page of the Sunday Past. Other sections of the news-starved Scottish media were so impressed by the Past’s shocking disclosure that they reprinted the nonsense. Sadly, there was nothing in the least secret about any of it. Aircraft are big, noisy machines that are difficult to keep under cover, even for the convenience of the Sunday Past's man on the runway, and various airlines regularly use the space above the deserted Sturgeon International for training purposes. The repeated comings and goings of the same aircraft all day tend to be spotted by several thousand people who live in the vicinity. These vigilant citizens instantly recognise the manoeuvres for what they are, and even have a name for them: circuits and bumps. A secret? Only in the over-excited imagination of the Sunday Past.
What journalists mean by a secret Anything they are unaware of until somebody tells them about it.
Condolences of the week The 'warmest condolences' offered by Trump to the victims of the Las Vegas atrocity. The adjective 'warmest' typically precedes the noun 'congratulations' while the adjective 'deepest' typically precedes the noun 'condolences'. Trump seemed to have a problem with his choice of words. But we sort of knew that already.
What wasn’t news 'Trump condemns mass shooting.’
What would have been news 'Trump fails to condemn mass shooting.’
When somebody who isn’t a supporter of ISIS commits an atrocity, what is he?
A lone wolf.
BBC news judgement of the week Radio 2, the morning after Las Vegas, leading a bulletin with the death of an entertainer called Tom Petty, who wasn't shot in Las Vegas but died in his bed.
What a prime minister is supposed to say if she/he wishes to keep on the right side of the palace 'The queen has asked me to form a government.’
What she did say 'I have formed a government.’
Feeble gesture of the week Theresa May’s freezing of tuition fees in a pathetic atempt to woo the youf vote.
Sign of the times (or what was left of it at the Tory party conference) Bui ding a c ntry tha orks or ryon
Who's ryon? It's the cool lower-case version of Ryon. According to the Urban Dictionary, Ryon is someone with an attitude, who doesn't care what others think but loves her friends hardcore. Example: 'The girl I ran into the other day was such a Ryon; my jaw just dropped open because she was so freaking amazing.' Maybe the collapse of the magnetic letters was a covert attempt to woo the Ryon vote by bui ding a c ntry tha orks or ryon.
Orator of the week Theresa May, whose speech in the Tory casualty ward inspired a number of cruel puns: 'Last gasp' (i); 'Things can only get letter' (Sun); 'The cough drop' (Huff Post).
Runner-up orator of the week The king of Spain, who somehow forgot to mention the police brutality in Catalonia during his address to the nation.
Prize plonker of the week (lifetime achievement award) Boris Johnson, though not for complaining that he's skint on a salary of £141,000 a year – even bog-standard barristers in London are on half a million – but for his bombast at the Tory conference, his obvious pleasure at the prime minister's discomfort, his repellent statement that a Libyan city could be the next Dubai once they clear the dead bodies away, the ridiculous pants he wore for his early morning run with some hack from the Murdoch press, his buffoonery in the Burmese temple, his general odiousness.
Wacky reformer of the week David Goodhart, who used to edit an intellectual mag called Prospect, proposed at a Tory fringe meeting that foreigners who're prepared to work nights should get priority to enter what remains of Britain after Brexit.
Most baffling chant of the week/year 'Oh, Jeremy Corbyn' – in praise of the beard that lost the 2017 election.
Sensible political decision of the week (by the law of averages it has to happen occasionally) The Scottish government's decision to ban fracking.
Bride of the week Laura Mesi, 40, who married herself in front of 70 guests at a ceremony in Italy. Ms Mesi, who wore a full white dress, said: 'My happiness does not depend on a man.’ It is believed that she swore to love, honour and obey herself, possibly inspiring a ground-breaking Scottish initiative to embrace one-person marriage.
Book festival of the week Wigtown, where the star speaker was that notable literary figure, Judy Murray, the woman whose grandiose leisure and housing development will destroy the greenbelt between Dunblane and Bridge of Allan.
Author of the week Belle Gibson, fined in Australia after falsely claiming in a book that she had 'beaten' cancer through healthy eating when the truth was that she had never had cancer. Cue blockbuster confessional and subsequent appearance at the Wigtown Book Festival.
The company that 'cancelled Christmas' Monarch. Not the one of the glen.
A possible solution to the cancellation of Christmas Stay at home in front of the telly watching Morecambe and Wise, the usual one with Angela Rippon.
Scottish hotel of the week The self-promoting Boath House, near Nairn, which attracted a table d'hôte of press for its announcement that it did not expect to retain a Michelin star, followed by a lavish a la carte when it retained the award after all. Don't bother to leave a tip.
Scottish local authority of the week Glasgow, which decided not to inform the residents of 57 privately owned blocks that their properties had similar cladding to the stuff used in Grenfell Tower. People make Glasgow (especially the ones unaware that they're living in potentially dodgy flats).
Scottish civil war of the week The 'civil war' in Scottish Labour involving a Mr Rowley. Small civil war; few dead.
Scottish police constable of the week (the only one we've got) A fourth complaint has been lodged against Phil Gormley, whose 'leave' has just been extended by another month. There may soon be more complainants than there are officers on the beat.
Scottish plinky plonk of the week Glasgow Piano City, 'a project that aims to bring music to public places by putting cast-off and reclaimed pianos in them.’ What is so wrong with silence?
Scientific discovery of the week That life on Earth began after a meteorite left a trail of small, warm puddles, as a result of which molecules replicated. It does seem the likeliest explanation for the existence of Dunipace.