Cash in the Attic (BBC2)
Phil Hammond got more loot in January than he expected, but you lot aren't seeing any of it. Crafty Phil’s put it under the bed for a rainy day – the one when he'll be faced with an outrageous demand for £51bn from that nasty foreigner, Juncker, and given 30 days to pay.

On the Buses (ITV3)
You can’t see a thing out of the No 4 because they haven't cleaned the
windaes since before the EU referendum.

Who Do You Think You Are? (BBC1)
Someone else discovers they're related to William the Conqueror and cries.

The Scottish Nine (BBC Scotland)
Exciting new hour-long news programme watched by three old age
pensioners in Wick. Later on Tony Hall’s ground-breaking new channel:
another chance to see 'Dr Finlay’s Casebook'. Plus: 'The Daily
Sturgeon': latest update on the day’s developments from our esteemed
leader.

The Brit Awards 2017 (ITV)
Latest shameless exhibition of luvvie self-regard.

Pointless (BBC1)
Almost all 'surveys'; delusional fantasies about Trump being removed
from office; the idea that Ayr United might win the Scottish Cup.

SSGB (BBC1)
The inspector’s throat infection is taking a while to clear up, but
the Germans can be heard loud and clear. It's the Brits who need
sub-titles.

The Royal House of Windsor (C4)
Fascinating insight into last-minute preparations for the state visit.

Come Dine With Me (C4)
An opportunity to share a pie with the former Sutton goalie.

BBC News at Six (BBC1)
Exclusive interview with Doris the storm, who reveals: 'How I wrecked
the country'.

Mock the Week (BBC2)
No need for this programme any more, seeing as how every week more
than adequately mocks itself.

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2
Upfront
A question of trust
ALLAN SHIACH


Diary
We hug for a long time, scared to let go
NANNIE SKÖLD

The Daily Sketch

Midgie

1
Upfront
A Scottish dystopia
JAMES ROBERTSON
and Craig Weldon


Notebook
What's in a nickname?
ISLAY McLEOD


Upfront
Politically, we are out of our depth
GERRY HASSAN


Upfront
The Bridge
MAGGIE CRAIG


Upfront
Mollycoddling the doctors
BARBARA MILLAR