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Thom Cross
Gleneagles: but who will end up in the water?
Photograph by Islay McLeod
Scene 1
The scene is a private lounge in Gleneagles Hotel. The characters are the US ambassador and his head of the CIA (London) with Alex Trout, leader of the Scottish Patriots Party.
Ambassador
The par three at the 16th was a bit much for 400 yards!
Trout
With a wind behind me I’m glad for a 7.
CIA
Your intervention on Donald’s project was well received.
Trout
Well it’s up my way and I’m getting a deal on green fees. (A joke but no laughter from the CIA.)
Ambassador
Your drink’s OK?
Trout
Scottish water…fine.
CIA
Mr Trout…
Trout
Call me Alex
CIA
Mr Trout, you are aware of our concerns.
Ambassador
Alex, excuse these young Turks. They’re Texas aggressive… too much time fighting the Taliban.
CIA
Faslane is vital to the effective defence of the Unites States…
Ambassador
… and Europe and the UK….
CIA
…they are vital strategic defence facilities for NATO and our nuclear strike capability – North Sea based, secure and essential to the deployment of our IBMs and NWS security.
Ambassador
Intercontinental ballistic missiles and nuclear warheads storage, sorry Alex.
Trout
I have been briefed.
Ambassador
You don’t want a Scotch in that water?
Trout
It’s Scottish enough…bottled just across there.
CIA
(Annoyed at the interruptions) We must retain access to Faslane for our nuclear fleet. We are here to make a deal. What do you want?
Trout
I’ve had subtler approaches.
Ambassador
Sorry Alex, we’ve lots goin’ on
CIA
(Goes to his briefcase and brings out a document)
This is our position. We will support your case for independence diplomatically. Washington still has some clout. We will support you economically and advise some of our companies on the joys of investing in Scotland.
Trout
Thanks but our political position is no nuclear weapons in Scotland.
Ambassador
Then we will lease the entire base. We have experience. Eighteen American military bases around the world. Scotland would make it 19.
Trout
…and if we say no again?
CIA
Don’t fornicate with us Mr Trout. Your economy will collapse within two years. If you are not with us you are against us. We will be happy to let the 125 American corporations currently in Scotland know that we no longer want them here. They will listen to us, I assure you. We will use all our media assets to so denigrate this fine country of yours that not a single American tourist will even stopover in transit. Your whisky will attract a series of new additional taxes. We will not recognise your tartan f-ing passport at our borders. Am I making myself clear?
Ambassador
We will meet with you again next week Alex. Give you time to talk it over with your boys. Thanks for the game.
What will/should Mr Trout’s response be?
Thom Cross is a writer and playwright
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