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Scottish Review : Barbara Millar

6 January 2009 · Barbara Millar

The Scottish Reviewers

Look at me – I’m worth 50 quid

Barbara Millar

On the same evening that Prince Charles enjoyed a royal knees-up to celebrate his 60th birthday and BBC TV’s Children in Need kicked off its annual money-raising shindig, I was being bid for at an auction. No one has ever bid for me before. But last Friday night it appears I was worth the grand sum of £50. I must quickly point out that it wasn’t me, as such, who attracted the offers. It was my services that people were vying to secure.
     And lest you get completely the wrong idea, let me add that it was my services as a tour guide (a guided day out to Glamis Castle and its environs) that were up for grabs at the village’s ‘auction of promises’. And let me also add that I was very worried about how much people would think I was worth. I fervently hoped that I would make more than an iced Christmas cake, a quilted cushion or half a dozen bottles of beer, though accepted I would be an infinitely less attractive a proposition than two hours sweated labour in the garden, a night in a 4* St Andrews’ guest house or four hours of handyman Mike’s time.
     The auction was held to raise money for Colinsburgh’s town hall and there were some very quirky items to be had – a month’s free Weightwatchers’ classes (could be useful after the Christmas turkey-and-mince-pies fest); a horse and carriage ride round the leafy East Neuk lanes next summer; and a song to be composed for a special occasion (but which could result in a situation very like the one songstress Katie Melua finds herself, who, having offered to compose a love song for the highest bidder in the Children in Need auction, now has to pen a paean to a manufacturer who bid £20,000 and wants her to extol his flooring business).
     There were some very practical offers – babysitting, car washing, help in the garden, dog walking, computer assistance, baking (some of these involved the ruthless – but necessary – exploitation of children); plus the usual wines, spirits, cakes, toys and, I would imagine, more than one unwanted present from Christmas or birthdays past. There was also evidence of hobbies having run their course – 200 golf balls and an exercise bike from one chap; a garden shredder and gas barbeque from another, and of treats given away for a noble cause – tickets to various rugby internationals and to a performance of La Boheme.
     So what did I bid for? Well, the offer to make a Roman blind took my fancy, as did a new suitcase (most of mine are missing at least one wheel, courtesy of various airlines). As an avid bird feeder, the two large sacks of wild bird seed were on my list and I was keen to secure the two wicker hanging baskets, planted for summer 2009. But the offers I really wanted to bag were the aforementioned four hours of handyman time and three hours of a professional cook’s services.
     I am an utter incompetent when it comes to DIY. Things go unfixed for months until enough minor repairs are stored up to make it worthwhile ‘to get a man in’. As for the cooking – I owe a dozen neighbours a decent night in, to repay them for all the dinner parties they’ve hosted. But I’m not a particularly enthusiastic or adventurous cook, so securing the services of a caterer to whip up a collage of canapés and a couple of lip-smacking courses would make me the hostess-with-the-mostest at a stroke.
     However, the best laid plans…In the end I spent a handsome £107 on two bottles of wine, the aforementioned suitcase (which wasn’t available to inspect, probably has fewer wheels than the ones I already own), half a day’s help in the garden, a voucher for £50 to spend in a local antiques shop and yes, the ultimate prize, for £45 I have secured handyman Mike’s skills and am now planning my list of tasks.
     The cheapest lot went for £3, the most expensive – three tickets for Scotland v Ireland at Murrayfield – for £130. Altogether, in two short hours, over £2,000 was raised for the refurbishment fund. And, to my great relief, I discovered I was worth more than the cake (£18), the cushion (£12) and the bottles of beer (£15). I can still hold my head up in Colinsburgh.

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