Why should Alex Salmond
be caressed with a feather
duster by Paxo?
The Cafe 3
Fitzpatrick takes on Hill
We’re enjoying the
deep darkness, and the
light from the stars
Alistair R Brownlie
The brigands have taken over
The Cafe 2
Some members of our church are thinking of having a garden party in June to celebrate the queen’s jubilee. There is talk of Union Jacks and flags and bunting. Would that be all right? We wouldn’t like it to be said that we were making a political statement, since we know that church people are not supposed to do that sort of thing.
Should we have some Scottish saltires to even things up, and perhaps a large photograph of our first minister giving the queen one of his smiles? Be grateful for your advice.
Iain Macmillan
Unfortunately, we have not yet appointed an etiquette editor (Islay’s no good at this sort of thing: she’s from Kilmarnock), but we would welcome any advice from readers on this sensitive question
– Ed
Unlike Michael Lloyd, I am not a fan of ‘Any Questions’, mainly because I am not exactly a fan of the Dimbleby clan. However I did accidentally catch the start of last week’s programme. How did the BBC team manage to find its way to Musselburgh? According to Jonathan Dimbleby, it ‘…is on the northern outskirts of Edinburgh’.
Blwyddyn Newydd Dda to you all from Wales.
Edgar Lloyd
SR Extra
An essay for the weekend by Christopher Harvie
Scotland’s chance
in Abu Dhabi
Click here
Unlike many publications SR doesn’t have an online comment facility – we prefer a more considered approach. The Cafe is our readers’ forum. If you would like to contribute to it, please email islay@scottishreview.net
Dumbing-down the
world’s literary
masterpieces
The short-list
BBC Scotland recently described Tam O Shanter as ‘the tale of a man who stayed too long at a pub’. We invited readers to summarise other world masterpieces in the same fashion. Some entered into the dumbed-down spirit of the occasion; some were too clever for their own good. Here is a selection of submissions:
Ae Fond Kiss
Cheerio, darlin’
John Forsyth
Letting her down gently
Margaret Hurcombe
Nance, you are so chucked, lol
Bill Copeland
Anna Karenina
Married woman having an affair throws herself under a train
Elizabeth Roberts
The Bible
Old Jewish tales of mayhem, mystery and mind-blowing magic
Thom Cross
Book of Genesis
A daily blog, by God
Katie Grant
Brideshead Revisited
Two posh blokes at and after Oxford Uni
Andrew Sarle
Divine Comedy
Italian lad has a wander down, along and up
Richard Dargie
Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde
A doctor’s chemistry experiment goes badly wrong
Arthur Bell
Dr Zhivago
Tale of a woman meeting a man on a train
Angus Skinner
The Ginger Man
The tale of a man who, as a result of marital difficulties, goes to the pub
too much
Euan Hendrie
Hamlet
The tale of a man who can’t decide whether or not to be
James Robertson
Insane Dane disnae get tae reign
Bill Copeland
The Merchant of Venice
A story of high stakes, sunken ships, bad bankers, legal niceties and
feminine wiles
Peadar Ó Donnghaile
Moby Dick
Fisherman with whale fixation
Elizabeth Roberts
Much Ado About Nothing
A lot of bovver about sweet FA (not original)
Noel Chidwick
Ditto
David Kirkwood
My Love is Like a Red Red Rose
Sentimental prick
John Forsyth
Oliver Twist
The story of a boy who asks for second helpings
Catherine Czerkawska
Pride and Prejudice
The tale of a bossy woman who tried to get her daughters married and was mostly successful
Jill Stephenson
The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner
What not to do if a bird shits on you
Craig Weldon
The Sun Rising
A man who doesn’t want to get out of bed
Gordon Purvis
A Tale of Two Cities
A tale of two cities
James Robertson
To Kill a Mockingbird
A wee girl finds out that a strange man is really nice
Bob Cant
Treasure Island
The story of a seafarer with one leg and a parrot who goes looking for treasure
David McGill
Ulysses
A day in the life of a man
James Robertson
A man spends all day looking for a better cheese
George Gunn
Villette
The story of a teacher who fancies her boss
Catherine Czerkawska
Waiting for Godot
The tale of a man who keeps missing an appointment
Andrew J Wilson
War and Peace
War, peace and a lot of and
Sandy Mathers
The story of a man who stayed too long in Moscow
Paul Cochrane
The story of a man who spent too much time with a pen
Barney MacFarlane
Whisky Galore
The demise of a politician
Jimmy Stirling
The Wizard of Oz
Farm girl suffers concussion after storm
Fiona MacDonald
SR pens to all those on the short-list
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