By James Dull, Our Media Editor
at the Goldberry Arms
I can exclusively reveal that the following non-persons will not be participating in this year’s Olympics. All are victims of persecution and censorship at the hands of the Chinese authorities.
Colin Montgomerie
A 79-year-old Scotsman banned for being rude to photographers, constantly moaning about the state of the course, taking part in a prohibited activity known as golf, and not smiling enough.
The Midgie says: 79 is his score, not his age, you idiot
Sonnie O’Rullivan
A 16-year-old Englishman banned for being rude to everybody, constantly moaning about the state of the table, taking part in a prohibited activity known as snooker, and not smiling enough.
The Midgie asks: What about his bow tie? Is that a capitalist accessory?
Gordon Brown
Banned for being rude to everybody, constantly moaning about the state of the world, taking part in a prohibited activity known as democracy, not smiling enough, and when he does smile giving the impression that his jaw is about to drop off.
Still on holiday while the country goes to the dogs
David Milibad
For being a cad and a bounder.
Weather told to behave – or else
By Glen Garnock, Our Sports Editor
The Chinese authorities are leaving nothing to chance. Down to the egg and spoon relay, the organisation of the next three weeks must be beyond reproach, leaving the world open-mouthed with astonishment and envy at this exhibition of socialist efficiency.
In the latest edict from Olympic headquarters, the weather has been warned to be on its best behaviour – or risk a lengthy custodial sentence. The anticipated smog will be banished to a remote penal settlement, leaving only sunshine and the occasional cooling shower, both regulated to coincide with the start of the main events.
The Olympic weather approved by the Central Committee for the Regulation of Climate
So, as widely predicted, the weather has been given its orders for the month ahead, but what of spectators at the Olympic Stadium? Yes, human beings are being allowed to attend, even at the risk of disturbing the flawless administration of the greatest show on earth. But, like the weather, this annoyingly unpredictable species is under strict instructions about the standard of behaviour required and expected. Huge yellow boards are being erected around the stadium with a list of dos and donts. ‘A little bit aggressive and in your face,’ one American technician was heard complaining earlier in the week. His present whereabouts are unknown.
Spectators are advised to:
(a) Smile at all times in that inane way perfected by the locals. Anyone caught not smiling will be removed from the stadium and compulsorily re-educated. No problem there for our very own Hazel Irvine.
The Olympic smile approved by the Central Committee for the Regulation of Facial Expressions
More rules and regulations
(continued…)
(b) Out of respect for the sponsors, refrain from drinking Pepsi Cola. Anyone caught drinking Pepsi Cola will be subjected to an unspeakable form of liquid torture.
The approved penalty for drinking the wrong brand of cola
(c) Refrain from erecting your own umbrella, standing in your seat, displaying an obscure flag known as the Saltire, shouting ‘In the hole’ or ‘Cmon the wee man’, praying, gambling, collecting for Amnesty International, reading, spitting, belching, thinking, breathing.
Otherwise, no probs. Enjoy!
Official logo of the 2008 Olympic Games
The Olympic Games on the telly non-stop
until the nights start drawing in
On other pages:
• Those exam results – why are our children so brilliant?
• Isn’t it time Walter Smith got the boot?
• Is anyone still watching Big Brother?