COMMENT
Kenneth Roy recalls how he plunged
the
General Assembly of the
Church
of
Scotland into darkness
Now that the media, afflicted by their short attention span, have declared the constitutional crisis over with the resignation of the Speaker – even the swine flu panic lasted longer – we must expect the gay minister to resurface as an issue. The gay minister, you ask? Yes, of all things. In Aberdeen, of all places. Lordy! Needless to say, it is the latest cause celebre of the Church of Scotland and will be debated at the General Assembly which opens in Edinburgh today. I shall not be there. I have served my time. I am on parole.
Let me tell you, nonetheless, of my years with the fathers and brethren (as they are known). Every May, under the reproachful gaze of John Knox’s statue in the quadrangle of New College, a small ritual was enacted: the Kirk’s new moderator, freshly crowned, left the Assembly Hall to be interviewed by the BBC. For some reason, the man with the microphone was invariably myself. The annual confrontation adhered to an unchanging text. First I would point accusingly to the decline in the Church of Scotland’s membership as proof that the institution had lost its way. The moderator would reply that, despite the figures, the Kirk remained ‘in good heart’. Then we would chew over the topic of the week – say, the gender of God. Finally I would ask the mod about his travel plans – fortnight in darkest Africa, official tour of Prestonpans fire station, that sort of stuff.
What I wanted to ask, I never did. ‘Now tell me, what has all this – the garden party, the Lord High wot’s-his-name, the morning suits, that crazy gear you’re wearing, the hilarious self-importance of the whole occasion – what has all this got to do with a carpenter?’ No, I never did. I muffed it. Out of some mistaken sense of propriety I let them away with it. In answer to my tame inquiries, only David Steel’s old man was downright rude. A right huff he was in – he went into my black book of petulant liberals.
One year, in a desperate attempt to pep up the coverage, I attempted to interview Edinburgh’s best-known lady of ill-repute, Dora Noyce, who had let it be known that Assembly week was her busiest of the year. A young woman of heart-stopping beauty came to the notorious door in Danube Street. ‘I’m from the BBC,’ I stammered. Judging by her expression, she had heard that one before. ‘I’m sorry, darlin,’ she said sweetly, ‘but madam’s resting. She’s not seeing anyone this afternoon.’ If only I had been wearing a dog collar.
HOLYROOD
PROPERTY
LADDER
Scottish Review investigation
Part I
GRAND
DESIGNS
Kenneth Roy on an MSPs’ allowance which makes a profit – at the taxpayer’s expense
[click here]
Part II
LOCATION
LOCATION
LOCATION
Revealed –
Who claimed what at the height of the Edinburgh property boom
[click here]
Part III
A PLACE
IN THE
SUN?
Meanwhile the people who live around the parliament can only dream
Photo essay by Islay McLeod
[click here]
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Young
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Year
This award is given annually to the author of the winning paper in the Young UK and Ireland Programme
Scottish-born Mairi Clare Rodgers, winner of the title last year, is now Director of Media Relations at the civil liberties charity, Liberty
