By James Dull
and Flora Weem
Poor little Britain – why does everybody hate us?
It has been confirmed by Sir Terence Wogan that he and the Eurovision Song Contest are parting company after 63 turbulent years, on the grounds that this once noble artistic endeavour has been corrupted by politically motivated voting.
Sir Terence claims that the countries of Europe, bored of voting for the best song, now vote for their next door neighbour. This would explain why Britain – a country without a next door neighbour – usually finishes last. The Midgie bows to no one in its regard for Sir Terence Wogan, Emeritus Presenter. Nevertheless, the Midgie personally sees nothing wrong with voting for your next door neighbour. If you were Georgia, the little that’s left of it, wouldn’t you do the sensible thing now and vote for Russia?
Meanwhile, the race is on to succeed Sir Terence in Moscow on the big day – 16 May 2009. MidgiePunt, our bookmaking subsidiary, is offering the following odds:
Who’s in the running? »» »
Who will succeed the great man?
Gordon Brown, 6-1 (fav)
‘I will listen to all the songs carefully because that is what the British jury wants me to do and I always do what the British jury wants me to do. As I make consistently clear whenever I see Andrew Marr, I fully understand the concerns of ordinary people with nine months of misery to face before next year’s contest. I hope a one-off, ex-gratia, no-strings-attached bribe of £150 per family will be enough, but if it isn’t, you have my assurance that I will be listening carefully to the British jury because that is my job, my vocation, my life’s work, my destiny.’
Alex Salmond, 8-1
‘It’s a massive honour to be considered as Sir Terry’s successor, even if he did say on the radio this morning that there was no such place as Freuchie, a quite disgraceful slur on the village, and indeed Scotland generally. It’s just another example of how important it is that I am absolutely everywhere protecting Scotland’s interests, and if that means taking over the Eurovision Song Contest so be it. I am thinking it might be a good idea for the late Andy Stewart to represent us in Moscow.’
David Miliband, 10-1
On holiday and unavailable for comment on the war in Georgia, the future of the Eurovision Song Contest, or anything else.
Jonathan Ross, 12-1
‘I’m only on £60 million a year and you want me to do this on top? See my agent.’
Tony Blair, 15-1
‘It’s the People’s Song Contest and we all love it.’
More contenders for the Eurovision crown
Vladimir Putin, 100-1
‘If Russia does not retain its title, I will simply annexe a fifth of Europe. Watch me.’
Prince Charles, 250-1
‘The Eurovision Song Contest is rather like the mass development of genetically modified crops – a gigantic experiment that has gone seriously wrong.’
President Sarkozy, 500-1
‘Only if my gorgeous sexy wife is allowed to win.’
Des Browne, nul points
‘I’m already Secretary of State for Defence and Secretary of State for Scotland. If you want me to mess up Eurovision as well, I’ll give it a go.’
Another day of ping pong on the BBC
On other pages:
• Will the Olympics ever end?