Spectator
Arts, media, sport
When Archie became Douglas
Barbara Millar risks watching an episode of River City
Two friends from deepest Birmingham once told me they never missed an episode of Rab C Nesbitt. Quite what they got out of it I’m not sure (Govan’s glorious scenery?), because they confessed they hardly understood a word – yet it still made them laugh.
It would appear then, that a complete lack of understanding is not necessarily a barrier to enjoyment. I decided to put this theory to the test, so, for the first time, watched an episode of River City (BBC Scotland’s soap, with half a million viewers each week, says the blurb). I wasn’t worried that the accent would flummox me (got my certificate in basic Glaswegian a while back) but River City has been running since 2002. How, in one brief hour, would I work out who was who, who was doing what to who and who the hell cared?
There’s a website devoted to River City, so I consulted it for essential background on the characters. Deeply scary. Hardly a decent cove among the lot of ’em. Events take place in the ‘fictional Glasgow suburb’ (an old whisky bond site in Dumbarton) of Shieldinch (Shieldhall? Whiteinch?), which includes four tenement blocks, cafe, bar, boutique, internet shop, underground station, boatyard and the quaint old Tall Ship boozer. The tanning salon has been closed. This immediately raises questions about the series’ veracity – no self-respecting Glasgow suburb would be without the ubiquitous tanning establishment.
Last week’s stories encompassed the gamut of human emotions and predicaments – love, revenge, pride, sex, intrigue – all as uniquely experienced in Soapland. Gay Scott (Background: perennially unlucky in love) and Manu (gay, black, Scott’s boss) confess their relationship is ‘serious’, but by the end of the hour Scott has been dumped after scheming Ruth’s porky pies have their intended effect. (Background: Ruth, pregnant by ex-husband, syphilitic Marty, was promised help by Scott to bring up baby. According to website, she has ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’. I should cocoa).
Liz (Background: a ‘nippy sweetie’, her son Archie has been ‘murdered’ but didn’t quite expire and has come back as Douglas – no, lost me too) starts a writers’ group. Thinks she’s the bees knees but produces a flabby story about a childhood picnic and then derides a soppy poem by Deek and is outraged when Malcolm’s offering at the group’s inaugural meeting is a ribald limerick. Eventually they make up and she cooks him a nice meal.
Eileen (Background: once married to Raymond, landlord of the Tall Ship, she still runs the pub’s eaterie) tries to hire a new chef but interviews are scuppered by Sharon, who wants to keep her job there and who has just started dating Raymond (Background: Raymond survived finding out at his wedding that his second wife was a bigamist three times over.)
Finally, Mary (Background: once married to no-good Lenny, who has been involved in murder and other ‘dodgy dealings’) returns to forge a relationship with sons Ewan and Rory. Jo, Ewan’s would-be squeeze, intercepts some texts and concludes Mary is Ewan’s bit on the side. (She’s obviously his mother, I was shouting at the TV, in true panto style, befitting the panto performance of the panto script). Lydia, Lenny’s second wife, (Background: her shop provides a legit front for Lenny’s shady deals – keep up at the back) is shocked to discover Mary intends to hang around.
But Mary – wooden, one expression Mary – definitely has the best line of the interminably long hour. When she surprises Ewan he reacts by saying: ‘You nearly gave me a heart attack’. (Background: by this time I was ready to expire along with him). She quickly rejoins: ‘You’re in the right city’.
WEEKEND
INBOX
Islay McLeod’s Scotland
Elvis is alive and well and living in Millport
[click here]
Kenneth Roy
Are you decent enough for Hazel Blears?
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The Cafe
Andrew Hook
is blackmailed
Barbara Millar
fights the fight
Alistair Brownlie
spends a penny
[click here]
The Lighthouse
Mairi Clare Rodgers
[click here]
The Midgie
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Alan Fisher’s World
[click here]
The Postbox
Catch up on The Midweek Review
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