Last week, my wife Karen and I embarked on our first foreign holiday for what seems like an eternity, though in reality is just over three years. Naturally, we were a bit apprehensive but not as you might expect about going abroad and potentially exposing ourselves to some new form of Covid, or perhaps even the new kid on the block, monkeypox. No, our nervousness was related to the mode of transport on which we were travelling. Our six-day break was to a new destination, the Costa del Sol, and we were going by budget airline.
By budget airline, I mean one of those operators who work through disaggregating the price you might pay for your flight, starting with the ‘nominal price’, which can only be achieved if you fly with the equivalent of a supermarket ‘bag for life’ full of clothes. Next stage is to book in your luggage either at ‘council level’ (no disrespect to council house residents, I was born and raised in one) or through ‘priority pass’, with what laughingly offers fast track access to the aircraft. Whichever you choose, you will incur some additional cost. And so it goes as you make your way through the obstacle course of the booking process, with unrequested offers of holiday insurance, car hire, airport transfer, hotel booking and pet plan insurance for the journey. Okay, that last one I made up, but you get my drift. You need to keep your wits as each new bear trap comes at you, willing you into making a mistake and adding cost to the ticket.
You then discover that 24 hours prior to departure, you will need to log in online and retrieve your flight passes. Failure to do so will result in a hefty additional cost to be paid at the departure desk. Then there is the check in where, if you have chosen the basic level and paid for the limited weight suitcase, the fear rises as you move forward in the self-check queue. What if my bag is over the limit and my trusted bathroom scales are out by a distance? What then? What fresh hell awaits should that be an outcome? How much more will I have to stump up? The nerves are shredded and you start to realise you might just require a holiday to recover from the trauma.
Should you come through all or even most of this unscathed, with the added bonus of not having to empty your entire carry-on bag at security, your next challenge is the boarding procedure. Returning to the basic or priority options chosen earlier, you will either need to stand patiently in a line for a good half hour beyond the scheduled departure time, for priority passengers, or five minutes of additional time for non-priority. Even then, you will get just beyond the gate where you will then find yourself in a holding area as you wait patiently for the aeroplane to be prepared for boarding. On finally reaching your seat, you will feel like you bloody well need a holiday.
It’s all worth it though as, on arriving at your holiday destination, you can finally settle down and relax. Well, that is until 24 hours before you are due to return, when you will have to go through the same process again.
Despite all this, we had a great holiday. At the airport security gate on the way back, an initially resistant traveller was ordered in forceful terms to remove her very high heels. As she walked through the gate, I’m sure I heard the security guard address her with: ‘not so big now then, eh?’
Frank Eardley
If you would like to contribute to the Cafe, please email your comments to islay@scottishreview.net