Scotland
in the
heat
Life of George
Back in 2001, the Scottish Review was a real book, something to pick up, smell, leaf through and keep forever (£4.50 per quarter). Its loyal circulation could fit snugly into an iconic gang-hut in Brigadoonsy. That year’s summer edition contained an overwritten piece, by me, making first mention of prostate trouble. A hopefully humorous, ‘in denial’ description of, what I didn’t know would be the first look down the light of many funnels. ‘An Uncertain Stream’ it was called – the smart-ass play on words – quips about lubricant and flippers. The joke’s over now. Staff know me by sight, some by name.
‘You know the flow-test drill George,’ said the nurse, who’s been there since tartan dressing gowns were invented. Consultant Number 1 had just mentioned odds of, ‘5/1 on bladder cancer’ and I fell to gulping ice water like it was piped from Lourdes. Five cups later I’m ready to replace the sprinkler system. There’s nothing uncertain or spiritual about a pure ice-water stream down a funnel. It’s orgasmic, if memory serves – or was that a Mivi?
After the funnel, a young lady takes me behind a screen, lies me down, tells me to loosen my clothing and smooths chilled gel over my abdomen. She produces a stainless steel object and glides it expertly around a certain area. ‘You’re retaining 140ml of urine,’ she said, ‘give yourself a wipe’. A ski-slope of paper towel later, I rush to the gents and see off that delayed 140ml.
Consultant Number 2 is a cool dude in chinos and very compatible with his mouse. He clicks left – pauses – clicks right and goes, ‘Hmm’ – that’s doctor-speak for ‘you’re gonna die real soon’. Unless – he leans back, places both hands behind his head. Body language that triggered memories of poker schools and psychology classes. Does he have a scalpel tucked down the back of his fitted shirt? Is he a spontaneous surgeon? He declares an interest in pain management and had dental treatment without anaesthetic. ‘Just to see what it was like,’ he said. ‘And what was it like?’ I asked. Unsurprised, he said ‘sore’.
His extreme teeth talked me into yet another operation sometime before the Scottish Review returns to paper. Someday we will all bunch up in the Brigadoonsy gang-hut (now en-suite) sharing tales of Mivis we never knew.
George Chalmers
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The principals won’t
like this report. So let’s
press ahead anyway
Walter Humes
If existing university principals were hoping for a ‘light touch’ report,
they might well have been disappointed, as full implementation of the recommendations would represent a major reform (though still not radical enough for some critics).
Walter Humes held professorships at the universities of Aberdeen, Strathclyde and West of Scotland and is now a visiting professor of education at the University of Stirling
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